Too Busy to Think

I haven't written in so long that I wonder if everyone has given up on me and stopped checking. There has been so much going on that it seems that I haven't been able to find the time to write. In some bizarre way, not writing enables me to put my head down and scurry forward without much thought. And sometimes, that is what I need to do. Then when the whirring stops for a moment, I look up and realize that I can't remember everything that has happened in the past month because I was too busy to think. It's also a clever way that I detach myself. Writing is like coming home, and writing makes me feel the most connected to the very central parts of my personality.
So, lately, there have been some pretty major developments. Andy and I have decided to get married. HITCHED, LEGAL, HUSBAND and WIFE. This is a huge step for me. It has never been that I didn't want to marry Andy-I have always known that he would be my life partner. He is my best friend and seriously, I can't imagine being with someone who could make me think the way he can. And I love that. Andy always surprises me with his particular take on most situations and the way he can gently imply that I may not always have thought of all of the angles in any particular circumstance. He also makes me laugh so hard sometimes that I can't breathe, and that is what I love the most. So there has never been any doubt in my mind that he is the one for me. But I do have this major hang-up about marriage and what it can sometimes mean. I guess I have had this rather unjustified fear that it makes people forget that their partner is something special. And I always want Andy and I to remember that we are both unique and original and irreplaceable. I think that it is so easy sometimes to take people for granted and I never want that to happen. I guess somehow, in my mind, this concept became intertwined with marriage and came to represent a very scary possibility. What I needed was time. Time to grow, time to experience, and time to learn that marriage does not equal separateness, if you don't want it to. I needed all of this time to realize that it can mean anything we want it to and now it feels like the most freeing decision in the world. And now the thought of being a wife makes me feel peaceful and safe in my own skin. A little exposed, but willing to take the risk of fully putting myself out there.
Good lord, I hope I am never referred to as "THE wife" in any social context. SHUDDER.
In other news, here is a few pictures of what we have been up to lately.


We took the girls hiking at Mount Doug on Saturday, Violet ran the trails, THE WHOLE TIME.


This is an after photo of the landscaping. And Violet in her underwear, wearing my bra. Awesome.

Here is a mid-way photo of the backyard.

My sweet love, Violet, rockin' out to Raffi.

Somewhere to Begin

I wear my sunglasses at night.

Vi and I model our thrifty finds.

The girls and the new bike trailer.

Vi likes to wear my clothes.

Iz + bluberries = sizable mess.

Sometimes I feel like I am running in circles, like my mind is going so fast and I am running to catch up. And what happens is that I can't seem to formulate anything into a coherent thought. I wonder if anyone else feels like this. It feels like a sort of mania.

I have had a fantastic week, the girls and I have been travelling car free all week, biking around the city and loving every minute (well, except the massive hill on Tyee Road). I didn't enjoy all 3 minutes of that. It surprises me a little, although I suppose it shouldn't really, how much better I feel being this active. Before I had Vi and Iz, Andy and I were always out doing something and then I became so sedentary the past few years. It is hard to describe exactly how this has been for me, I would describe it as an ever present sense of malaise-feeling itchy and somehow incomplete. Now, powering up the hills, feeling my heart beating in my chest, the wind on my face...it feels like I have reclaimed a part of my former self. The feeling is amazing. The more I am active, the more I want to be. It is such a wonderful, natural high. The girls seem to love being in the bike trailer, yesterday they fell asleep on the way home, their two little heads resting against one another. It was so sweet.

I really want to show my girls that you can be strong of mind and body, if you are conscious of the choices you make. As a woman and a Mother, I hope to teach them that you can try anything you are interested in, even if it a male dominated sport, even if you are afraid. I think that fear can be such a motivator, instead of a deterrent if we can use the fear to our advantage. Fear is such a strong emotion and I think using it as a catalyst for doing something that scares us can reap the biggest benefit in the end.

I was so afraid to tow the girls in the bike trailer. I was worried about whether I would be able to actually do it, I thought about whether it would be a total nightmare in the rain. But today we went uphill in the rain and still, everyone was happy.

Tonight we are heading out to the Ukrainian Cultural Centre for perogy night. Seriously the best perogy's and cabbage rolls I have ever had, all homemade. Tomorrow we're heading over to a friend's place for a bar-b-que, we haven't been together in a year so it will be a great time, I'm sure. Tonight the hockey game starts at 6:30 so I'll be sure to pack back my 20 perogy's by that point.

Life feels full of beginnings right now, it feels busy but in a good way. According to Dan Wilson, "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

I Heart Fernwood

Today we went for a long walk downtown, it took us three hours round trip and it was awesome. I have been looking around trying to find the right bike to buy and have decided on the Giant "Dash." I think it will be perfect for what I want to do-which is move towards a less vehicle dependent lifestyle. I will be towing the girls in a MEC bike trailer and I am so stoked. We have been so busy lately and Izzy has been ill so this week we have spent a lot of time just the three of us during the days. Spending the days outside strolling the Fernwood neighborhood has really solidified my feeling that we are exactly where we should be. Fernwood as a community is so eclectic and yet feels so cohesive. I feel so peaceful here, but beyond that, I feel such a sense of creativity and an inclination to slow down and enjoy. Being here has caused me to really look at what I want my life to be and a question from a friend the other day has propelled my thinking into a wider sphere. She asked: "what kind of model do you want to be for your children?" and I have since given it a lot of thought. Before I became pregnant with Violet, I had been a vegetarian for many years. Due to the fact that I couldn't seem to get enough iron into my system once I was pregnant, I made the decision to eat meat. Now that the demands on my body are once again only my own, I have decided to resume my vegetarian lifestyle. This is a choice I have made for myself and I do not intend for Violet and Izzy to adopt my lifestyle choices. As with anything, I believe that they have a right, as they mature, to decide for themselves how they feel about vegetarianism. For now, I can choose what works for me and allow them the same freedom as separate individuals.
I signed up for boot camp today and I can't wait, it starts April 6th. It is an outdoor boot camp and promises to "whip me into shape." I won't lie and say this doesn't scare the...out of me. I haven't worked out vigorously in such a long time, but I am so done with roly poly olie over here, kickin' it in my stretch pants.
The times, they are a changin'.

Blink and It's Gone

I can't believe how fast time goes by. I don't remember it going this fast before I had children but I remember being warned that this would happen. Sometimes the days feel long but most of the time I find myself looking back at large chunks of time and wondering; where did all that time go? I went out the other night with a friend and we had a wonderful time, although I have to say, I was ancient compared to the crowd. Really, I felt prehistoric. It's not entirely that I notice that I am getting older, it's that the fact is inescapable when your old favourite places are full of people in their early twenties. That is until Ethel and Berta stormed the place. As we rocked out to Nirvana, full to the brim with nostalgia and cheap beer, our party counterparts DANCED a la Justin Timberlake while sipping their Vodka redbulls. Man, what a scene and how times have changed. Where did all that time go? The other day we went for a walk outside with a great woman I know-the sun was shining and there was a perfect breeze and we walked around the neighborhood for hours. Vi and Iz always make me smile, especially on those days where everything feels like it fits into place. On those days, I want to make time stop. On those days, I am happy that I am at this place in my life and on those days I am thankful. And Nirvana will always have a special place in my heart.


Love this picture. Violet says that she is Tinkerbell. Obviously.

Iz, always chillin.

I had to get a picture of Vi beside my dream vehicle. The bumper says "flash backs happen."

The girls' ride.

Like Father, like daughter.

The next chapter

I have been thinking about starting a blog for quite a long time although I always seemed to be too busy to do it. Now that Izzy is older and the girls play together more, I finally feel that I have some time to spare. There are always so many thoughts swirling around in my head at once and sometimes I get overwhelmed, feeling like there is so much to consider and process as we travel through life. So many variables in any given situation and never enough time, it seems, to get through all the layers.
I was in an elevator yesterday and I started thinking about how completely bizzare it is that it feels so uncomfortable to be in such a small space with so many people. It never feels comfortable in an elevator, people watch the numbers, check their watch, stare at the wall. I find the whole idea of personal space so interesting, I think that the lack of personal space in the elevator is what makes it so uncomfortable. But why are we so weirded out when we are forced to stand that close to one another? It's like the close talker, that dude who talks to you with his face WAY too close to yours. Weirdo. But why does it feel so strange. I often think about personal space in our new house. It is much smaller than our old house, and sometimes I can acutely feel the difference. But most of the time, I love that we are all closer together here, I love feeling cozy, and I think a small space can be very comforting. When the girls get older and they have to be THIS CLOSE to their completely uncool archaic parents, they may not enjoy being so cozy. I wonder what personal space will mean to us all, living here, as the girls get bigger. I wonder if it will make us a stronger family unit or constrict and agitate us. I hope it encourages a sense of togetherness, one that we may not have felt with all the space in the world.